just a rant!!

i have a growing knot in my stomach... how does excitment turn into nervousness... how does the one thing i have been looking forward to for a long time, get filled with dread all of a sudden!!!
my brain is a mess....
i haven't been home in quite some time, is it going to be the same... have i build it up as a crutch to get me through the bad days!!
so much has changed since i left....... my life and what it meant and where it was going... all changed quite suddenly......

The biggest problem, am i going to want to come back??????? i'm scared i won't
Canada has been an experience, yeah its a great country, yes there are great opportunites here..... the kids love it, i have a good job so why isn't it enough, whats missing from the equation... why do i feel the way i do!
its a lonliness i have never ever felt before... it goes deeper than i ever thought possible!
i took so much for granted for years, picking up the phone and having someone to talk too, having my family 'down the road' for help, support, general 'hanging out'.
being less than an hours drive from alot of good friends (at worst 2 1/2 to 3 to others), having a couple of hours to clean a house, having friends call over in the evening for tea and chats! a night out, going dancing....... all the things i took for granted! all the things i would give anything to have just once in a blue moon here!
all the things i'm going back to enjoy!! so why amn't i excited???????
because i miss all of the above so much it physically hurts and its going to be even harder leave all over again! when i left this time last year, Canada was the unknown the big adventure to be explored! It was full of promises, it was the dream life!
too good to be true... i should have known better...........
Life changes and reality kicks in!
so now going home....... has been overshadowed by an absolute dread of what i have to face when i come back
maybe i'm just tired........ actually scrap that i'm beyond exhausted! i can't remember the last time i slept past 7 am! i can't remember the last time i woke up alone (haha that acutally sounds like i have a life) i can't remember the last time i woke up without a foot in my back and at least 2 of my 3 kids in my bed!!! i can't remember the last time i slept more than 4 hours in a row.
everyones solution .... get a babysitter!!! the catch......... they cost money!! and i suppose what i hate to admit more than that... even if i had a sitter, i don't have anywhere to go and no one to go with!!
i have work collegues, but i'm the boss!! and i know my worst nightmare would be socialisng with my boss... so how can i think its any different for them! and still the 4/5 times i have been out in the last year have been with my department!! its like i had to pay for them to come out with me!!!
so as i do my daily facebook check and watch as a minimum one of my friends a day load pics of the latest night out, wedding, 30th birthday, hen night... i am just reminded more and more of the life i left behind! it mightn't have been much but at least there was a couple of nights here and there!!
photos can say a thousand things..... provoke a range of emotions.... bring back memories good and bad.... and can be as powerful as to feel like someone has stuck a knife in you! a dart of pain as you look at life going on without you, people moving on, and essentially no one missing you..... its a real reality check!! out of sight out of mind eh!!
the worse part is... yes this is a rant and technically nothing a good nights sleep wont fix but...... there is no light at the end of this tunnel!!
i'm not a person who normal lets obstacles get in my way or feels sorry for myself but... there is no way out of this one!! to get out and meet people and get a life, you normally need someone to start the chain!!
its a no win situation!!
so option B i go back..... except i can't! i can't move my kids again, they are happy here and they have had enough disruption!! plus what is there to go back too?? its funny the world keeps telling me how awful life is there... but yet i can't see it!! i know some of family have suffered the worst of this recession, but my friends, they are all holding there own!! they are working, they are still living life as normal, and even enjoying it! they have each other, they have friends and family!
Part of me wishes i had never left?? it would have been so much easier, i am sure i could have weathered whatever storm life threw with the support of my friends and family like i always have!
I am still weathering those storms, but now alone..... a phone call just doesn't cut it! but i have figured it out...... alone they take everything from you! i am drained and exhausted and thats just from facing the simple daily battles!
the power of a hug......... i will never underestimate again... i think doctors of the world should pescribe a hug a day/week for everyone!!!
so i'm 56 hours away from hugs..... and i'm scared! scared i wont want to let go, scared i won't be strong enough to face the world without them again!
i am going to remember what its like to have friends again, what its like to talk to adults (who don't work for me) what is like to sleep, what is like to smile and have fun again! what its like to be around people who care!

i suppose its all just the other side of being a single mum! i have the best job in the world, being mum to my kids! i don't have to share the smiles, the giggles, the joy i get to keep them all to myself....... but the evitable....... 'there will be days like this'.

so with any luck!! now i have all of this off my chest... i can go back to being excited again!
so 2 sleeps and counting :) :) :) :)

how do i stop my babies growing up..........

couldn't finish the Feb updates without acknowledging the most important event that happens........... saving the best for last :)

My babies 4th birthday!!!

not sure how it happened but........ they just turned 4!!!

In someways the longest 4 years of my life :) but as i took a trip down memory lane and looked through some pictures of the last few years, and last few birthdays ...... i don't know where the time went!!

you see my babies really are angels........ angels who fought soooooo hard to be here, i just am the luckiest mum in the world really

i still struggle to look at some of the pictures from when they were sick :) but then i can scan to the next ones with chubby cheeks and mischievious smiles..... and there is a undescribable happiness!!

Love you guys more than ye will every know xxxx

Blizzard time!!!!

Canada Winter = snow (and lots of it!!)

however winter is over in Jan......isn't it????????? haha not here!! it flows all the way right into summer!!

it teases.... we were starting to see grass again... i think i actually braved a day without snowboots over the weekend ( that's the rebel in me!!) haha

then i went to work on Monday morning (naturally slightly late!! it was a Monday after all :)

standard Monday morning...moan, moan ,moan, grumble, grumble grumble.... procrastination is a standard for at least an hour!!

morning hit of nicotine and caffeine sorted!!! actually did some work (after the mandatory email, facebook, twitter updates!) actually got head deep into the management system... I'm days away from launching!

so i sauntered back outside again a couple of hours later..... and the apoloclyse had happened.......

Its so mental......... no sure I'll get used to it anytime soon!!!!!!

4 inches of snow had fallen......... the place was eerily white again.......

it never ceases to amaze me!!!

so it looks like........ snowsuits again!!

...and SLEDDING is back on again for this weekend :) :) :) score!!

Me vs a Fridge

ever have a fight with a fridge :) well i wouldn't recommend it!!

Having recently moved house.... i had to purchase a new fridge! Luckily we were in no real hurry with one ....... due to the fantastic Canadian weather... the temperature in the garage is sub-zero!! so we have been living out of a couple of cool boxes in our hugmous fridge (ie the garage) for the last 2 weeks!!!

so it was about time i was a responsible mum, so i bought a new fridge!!! its was all shiny and new!! and i was tickled pink with it................ until i got home!!

The kind men at Sears has placed in gently on its side in the back of my pick-up truck!! (sure its only a short drive... i vaguely remember saying!) However fridges cant be left on their side for too long!!

so mmmmmmm got home and looked around at my 3ft odd twins and 4ft odd daughter........ and went CRAP!!

and then it dawned on me.... i have to get it out of here somehow!!

i inconsciously hung around out the front of the house... for as long as i could bare (its still about -10 this part of world) but it seems all my neighbours were out enjoying there weekend!!

so nothing for it but climbing right up there.... bit of pulling this way, shoving that way i got it to the edge of the back of the truck!!

then came the psyching up part ... there was no other way of getting it off other than using myself as the crash mat!

so i inched it closer and closer to the edge and then let gravity do its job!!

i was shaking....trying to hold a double fridge on my thighs

but ......... ROUND ONE to me!! i got it off the truck :)

and have some super cool bruises to prove it!!!!

right then came the 24 hours of sit and wait!! as a blizzard hit Ontario there was even less pressure to move the fridge from the garage... so i let it acclimatise! get used to its new house!!

so last night i was all set for round 2!!

did i mention there are a series of 5 steps into my house...... and fridges are damn heavy!!

more pushing, pulling throw in some twisting and turning..... and bingo... got to the front door

i was proud of not being the silly girlie... i had measured the door opening before i bought the fridge....... so i was good.....

eh no my blondness took over.......... the opening was wide enough....... the door itself was in the way! but i was committed at that stage (and i may be a bit stubborn) so off came the front door!

and yes the freak blizzard was still blowing outside!!

it was a tight squeeze...... but i got it in!! while catching my breath and being super super proud of myself

my poor daughter starts screaming.......... there is blood all over the kitchen floor... i checked my son first, then his twin sister....... at this stage i was confused and put my hand through my hair...... then it transpired half my finger was hanging off!!!!!!!!! 4 fingers covered in blood!!

ROUND TWO to the fridge :)

so 5 stitches later........ and a mop to the kitchen floor....... I have a fridge!!!

the irony being having to go to work today and being responsible for telling a workforce of over 800 construction workers they have to work safe........... ha ha ha if only they knew!!!

super proud mammy update........

soooooooooo back at training last night!! no rest of the wicked eh!!

and the results were out of all the official times

and............ wait for it :) :)
she came 1st in the 25m BS
2nd in the 100m IM

3rd in the 100 FC
3rd in the 100 BC

and her relay team for the 200m IM came 3rd :)

even prouder again.......... if thats possible :)

just sorry i couldnt' keep a better eye on proceedings on saturday so i would have know all of that then!
but the twins grew kinda bored after the first race!!!
i'm feeling bad now that the post competition treat at McDonalds really didn't do much justice :)

super proud mammy....

so once again i'm like a proud peacock tonight......
my baby has blown me away once again with undescribable pride!!

todays root cause of fighting tears rolling down my face.......... was a love and pride that is becoming a weekly feeling as i watch my daughter pull on her goggles and step up, take a deep breath and dive into the pool!

She swam 6 races today......... even throwing in an unplanned relay leg in the middle day!

and as i watched her complete her first IM i was crying :) i can admit it!!! i was a mess!! alannah told me my eyes were leaking :)

i have a feeling today will be the first of many more weekends spent on the deck of a pool!!
(at least its warm in there :) :) )

Cheerleading!!

Just back with a car full of exhausted kids from the Love to Cheer Invitational, Brock university, St Catherines, ON!

As a complete cheerleading sceptic........ i have to admit i have had alot of mixed thoughts over the last few months!!

i suppose I'm a typical 30 something European!!! Cheerleading is what we saw in the movies... normally the bimbo type long legged non important role in the movie!! Cheerleaders where an object of fantasy to most males!! A stuck up bitch, a bimbo... not the person you wanted your daughter aspiring to be!!

Then came High School Musical.......... which became a religion in my house for all 3 rounds!! i woke up from nightmares with ...'we're all in this together' singing in my brain!!

and so the cheerleading dream began!!

throw in a couple of 'Bring it on' movies and i had a young girl who was brainwashed!!! however it was a daydream and at most something to play with her friends!!!!!!!!!! That's as close as she was going to get in Ireland!! so she settled for gymnastics and dancing :)

That was until i upped and relocated her to North America :) :)

so 3 months in........ Stingrays was discovered.......... and the rest is history!!

There was still apprehension... i couldn't remove the years of brainwashing...... i didn't want my little girl that stuck up cheerleader!!

however as i watched today as a group of little girls they gave there all, throughout their routine... i welled up as i watched my little girl be part of something very special.

The strenght, power and agility it takes to be a cheerleader is only the small detail, as they learn to be a team player, they lift each other high in the sky, learning the fundamentals of trust most adults don't' understand!

I have to admit, I'm converted!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am tonight.....one proud CHEER MOM :) :)

GO RAYS GO :) :) :)