just a rant!!

i have a growing knot in my stomach... how does excitment turn into nervousness... how does the one thing i have been looking forward to for a long time, get filled with dread all of a sudden!!!
my brain is a mess....
i haven't been home in quite some time, is it going to be the same... have i build it up as a crutch to get me through the bad days!!
so much has changed since i left....... my life and what it meant and where it was going... all changed quite suddenly......

The biggest problem, am i going to want to come back??????? i'm scared i won't
Canada has been an experience, yeah its a great country, yes there are great opportunites here..... the kids love it, i have a good job so why isn't it enough, whats missing from the equation... why do i feel the way i do!
its a lonliness i have never ever felt before... it goes deeper than i ever thought possible!
i took so much for granted for years, picking up the phone and having someone to talk too, having my family 'down the road' for help, support, general 'hanging out'.
being less than an hours drive from alot of good friends (at worst 2 1/2 to 3 to others), having a couple of hours to clean a house, having friends call over in the evening for tea and chats! a night out, going dancing....... all the things i took for granted! all the things i would give anything to have just once in a blue moon here!
all the things i'm going back to enjoy!! so why amn't i excited???????
because i miss all of the above so much it physically hurts and its going to be even harder leave all over again! when i left this time last year, Canada was the unknown the big adventure to be explored! It was full of promises, it was the dream life!
too good to be true... i should have known better...........
Life changes and reality kicks in!
so now going home....... has been overshadowed by an absolute dread of what i have to face when i come back
maybe i'm just tired........ actually scrap that i'm beyond exhausted! i can't remember the last time i slept past 7 am! i can't remember the last time i woke up alone (haha that acutally sounds like i have a life) i can't remember the last time i woke up without a foot in my back and at least 2 of my 3 kids in my bed!!! i can't remember the last time i slept more than 4 hours in a row.
everyones solution .... get a babysitter!!! the catch......... they cost money!! and i suppose what i hate to admit more than that... even if i had a sitter, i don't have anywhere to go and no one to go with!!
i have work collegues, but i'm the boss!! and i know my worst nightmare would be socialisng with my boss... so how can i think its any different for them! and still the 4/5 times i have been out in the last year have been with my department!! its like i had to pay for them to come out with me!!!
so as i do my daily facebook check and watch as a minimum one of my friends a day load pics of the latest night out, wedding, 30th birthday, hen night... i am just reminded more and more of the life i left behind! it mightn't have been much but at least there was a couple of nights here and there!!
photos can say a thousand things..... provoke a range of emotions.... bring back memories good and bad.... and can be as powerful as to feel like someone has stuck a knife in you! a dart of pain as you look at life going on without you, people moving on, and essentially no one missing you..... its a real reality check!! out of sight out of mind eh!!
the worse part is... yes this is a rant and technically nothing a good nights sleep wont fix but...... there is no light at the end of this tunnel!!
i'm not a person who normal lets obstacles get in my way or feels sorry for myself but... there is no way out of this one!! to get out and meet people and get a life, you normally need someone to start the chain!!
its a no win situation!!
so option B i go back..... except i can't! i can't move my kids again, they are happy here and they have had enough disruption!! plus what is there to go back too?? its funny the world keeps telling me how awful life is there... but yet i can't see it!! i know some of family have suffered the worst of this recession, but my friends, they are all holding there own!! they are working, they are still living life as normal, and even enjoying it! they have each other, they have friends and family!
Part of me wishes i had never left?? it would have been so much easier, i am sure i could have weathered whatever storm life threw with the support of my friends and family like i always have!
I am still weathering those storms, but now alone..... a phone call just doesn't cut it! but i have figured it out...... alone they take everything from you! i am drained and exhausted and thats just from facing the simple daily battles!
the power of a hug......... i will never underestimate again... i think doctors of the world should pescribe a hug a day/week for everyone!!!
so i'm 56 hours away from hugs..... and i'm scared! scared i wont want to let go, scared i won't be strong enough to face the world without them again!
i am going to remember what its like to have friends again, what its like to talk to adults (who don't work for me) what is like to sleep, what is like to smile and have fun again! what its like to be around people who care!

i suppose its all just the other side of being a single mum! i have the best job in the world, being mum to my kids! i don't have to share the smiles, the giggles, the joy i get to keep them all to myself....... but the evitable....... 'there will be days like this'.

so with any luck!! now i have all of this off my chest... i can go back to being excited again!
so 2 sleeps and counting :) :) :) :)